Paulette's Comedy - Attack of the Lactating Monster

Hang on to your seat… When Doodle bug was born and because she was breach, her right foot was pushed up and against the side of her leg. Her left leg was down and on its way out. Anyway, we took her to an orthopedic doctor to make sure her foot was going to be ok. On our first visit to the orthopedics office, all went well, well except for nearly drowning my daughter with breast milk. See, I knew this would require an explanation. Here we go…

After we are seated in the exam room, Rachel begins nudging my chest. She is hungry, gotta feed the Punkin. I am prepared. I have on a nursing bra and a nursing shirt. Unsnap, position, nurse. Weeeellll, that is the general idea unless you unsnap your bra and the water works go off. I mean like a rogue water hydrant only, I was a milk hydrant. Spsshspspshspshshhhhhhh, up down and all around! I even squirted my mother! OH. MY. GOD! It would NOT stop. One was drenching the room, the other was drenching my shirt. It was coming from both sides! O In the midst of all this, the baby is screaming because she is covered in milk and it is up her nose, all over her clothes. It is very difficult to drink from a hose that is spraying full blast.

Oh, it gets better… The exam door opens! The doctor walks in to an exposed, rogue breast shooting milk all over the room, its occupants and the equipment. Poor guy, he doesn’t duck fast enough, I squirt him – in the face, hair and on his clothes. Dammit! FFFFSSSSPPPSHHHHHppppppp… Finally, the ducts run low but not before we all looked like we had been assaulted by a giant milk shake! We had to bathe Punkin in the exam room sink and redress her while the doctor washed his face and changed his lab coat. Punkin’s foot was (is) just fine and my boobs were placed on house arrest.