Paulette's Comedy: The Weasel - Revised

One of my favorite stories took place this past summer.

Anytime Hunnybun gets spooked, it brings a touch of warmth to my heart. You see, he is not one to startle easily. I am typically the one that screams if startled, but not Hunnybun… No, no, he is poised, brave and strong. 

Until one hot summer night in July 2009; he faltered, his bravado left him and his inner little girl came screeching from within…

Let us start at the beginning…

Hunnybun stepped out on the front porch to have a cigarette. (Yes, he smokes, not much and only outside…)

It is a typical summer night in Texas.  Hot, miserable and so humid one needs gills to breathe. Even the moon was sweating...  You know, the kind of hot where you really want to be naked and if you are, sex is not even up for discussion.  Yeah, that kind of hot.

I was sitting in the recliner enjoying yet another novel by Patricia Cornwell when I hear a blood curdling scream, accompanied by a whomp, whomp, whomp and slam! The front door comes open, slams shut and

Hunnybun screeches “there is a F&@#%king weasel out there and it just ran up my leg!”

I was laughing so hard at his girly scream I literally could not see straight.

I asked him to repeat what happened. He said “there is a f&@#%king weasel out there and it just ran up my leg!”

Now, I am a native Texan and have heard of weasels being part of our vast wildlife but have never seen one.  

Thinking he was full of prunes and not being one to make assumptions, I began to analyze the situation (while laughing) and suggested it was probably just someone’s ferret. Or that some wise acre dumped their pet.

After all, we cannot make assumptions about such things we must have facts with which to build a hypothesis... He did not want to hear it. 

Hunnybun is nearing tears, I am rolling with laughter. Due to Hunnybun’s obvious distress, I decided I better gain my composure and assess the situation before he falls into a catatonic state. I sucked it up; accidently snorted due to holding in the laughter and cautiously opened the front door…

I looked to the left and I see two beady eyes looking over the steps. I screamed an obscenity and slammed the door!

Now, who is laughing?

I took a deep breath, reopened the door, and step out to address the alien critter. I started talking to the critter in order to keep the situation calm and hopefully draw it up on the porch for a better look.  It worked!

Suddenly, and without warning, the critter jumped over the top step and grabbed my ankle! I screamed, wet my pants and ran into the house!

Hunnybun:  Now laughing at me and saying “I told you so, I told you so!”  Ha! Ha! Ha!  Hehehehehehe!

Me:  Please, are we not adults?! Sheesh!

We both opened the door. I looked out the door and Hunnybun looked out over my shoulder. The critter charges at full attack and enters the house!

OH. MY. GOD! The stench! It is horrible!   Now, we are cornered in our own living room by a raunchy, musky ferret! Oh what to do! I told Hunnybun to grab the ferret, he impolitely told me to kiss his arse and that I should grab it because “you are the "critter" person.”   I glared at him.  I reminded him he likes animals too and he saw it first. Finders keepers. He was not impressed.

We continued to make suggestions to each other, and I was secretly hoping Wonder Woman was real and would come to our rescue.  Because I understand how important it is for men to feel strong and wanted Hunnybun to regain confidence in his masculinity, I encouraged him by telling him: "You are strong, so big and strong."  Get it! Get it! Get it!  Nothing.

(To myself I was thinking,where the hell is Wonder Woman?  And then I remembered... Wonder Woman doing IBS commercials. Sh*t she is probably in the bathroom!  Darn the luck.  I keep this knowledge to myself as to not further worry Hunnybun...) 

Hunnybun refused to grab the ferret and said to me "You're the one with the Wonder Woman watch!"  Crap.  

The ferret stood up, we (I) screamed.  It raised its little arms srtaight up along with its left leg. It then let out a high pitched "WAAAAHHH!"  This is it, I can feel it.  We are doing to die. We are going to be Karate Kidded by this ferret, the end is near...  We hugged and exchanged I love you's.  I flicked a tear. 

Ferret Poised to Strike:

Just when we thought our lives were about to end, our loving and courageous cat comes in to the living room. 

Patches! 

She crouches; she positions herself strategically adjusting her back legs and tail accordingly.

The tension building; the ferret is going to strike! 

She pounces!

Patches caught the ferret enabling us to escape our captor!   Yea Patches! You are the Wonder Putty!

There was much rejoicing! 

While Patches had the ferret in a half nelson, I grabbed a towel and cautiously approached the cat and the ferret. I then wrapped the ferret in the towel, put it in a dog carrier and returned it to its owner.

The ferret was glad to be home and Patches was rewarded with tuna.

This is Wonder Putty:  (She hates the flash and refuses to keep her eyes open.)