North Texas Blogger & Paulette's Comedy

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Miles - My Horse, My Buddy, My Friend

I have spoken often of my dogs and cat.  There is someone that is also quite special to me.  In fact, we are peas and carrots.  He, Miles, is a part of me and I of him.  You know how Alec bonded with Black, the Black Stallion; our relationship is quite similar.  Miles is a Tennessee Walker and an absolute pleasure to ride.

This saying is so true:

There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. ~Winston Churchill

Without futher ado, my Big Boy, Miles...

Taken this Winter after a light dusting of snow.

This was taken last summer. He was enjoying a watermelon.

Again - watermelon...

After his bath last week...

Cochise Snoozing on the Love Seat

I took these photos last night when Cochise was snoozing on the loveseat. It cracked me up that he was facing backwards. I kept waiting on him to roll over and fall on the floor. For a dog that is thinks he has to protect everyone, he sure is a marshmallow...

One might suggest that he is spoiled rotten. I agree he is spoiled but rotten, no. His bed, when not sleeping on the sofa, is queen sized memory foam mattress.

He is such a good boy. He enjoys going for rides and is an amazingly good traveling dog. He keeps us safe and if we have a storm and the lights go out, he patrols the perimeter insuring no one takes advantage of the situation.

At this point, I decided I should take the hint to cease and desist from taking the photos... 

Paulette's Comedy: Strawberry Gel Mishap


How many times have you been just about to drift off into a deep sleep when you feel something slap you on the behind?

I do not mean a hand; I mean the other 'thing'.

It never fails. You doze off, and are opening the gates to dream land, when that one eyed snake taps you on your left butt cheek. Bye, bye dreamland... If you swat it away it becomes even more interested and even more persistent. The next option; thump it. Not really, but I thought I would say that to make you smile. :)

Seldom, and I mean seldom does Hunnybun get turned down, but now and again, it is nice to just sleep and not have to worry about taking another shower – Seriously.

Let's back up the hands of time a few years...

As some on you may know, I used to be so uptight, I could not even say sex. My OB doctor once made the comment that it "was a damn wonder I even got pregnant." So, as you can see, for me to make the next step and go into a "toy store" alone took gall of all gall.

Obviously, by the stories I have shared with you, my faithful reader(s), I am long out of my shell... Moving on...

Valentine's Day was near and even though we really do not celebrate the day, I decided it was a good excuse to visit "the store". I departed my office and made my way to the rendezvous spot. Because I did not want to be 'alone' I called my sister. The ruse was to make it look like I was picking up the item for her and not me. After all, I would never, you know...

I want into the store and am immediately stunned by what I see. There was this odd looking black costume with metal studs on it and then a pair of crotch less, lacy type garment. Is it not a waste of fabric to make a crotch less pair of underwear?? I am thinking chaff with a capital C!

I am uh huhing and uh huhing as I am browse the store for the item 'my sister' wanted. To my horror, I rounded the corner to see a woman with various cylindrical objects around her. She reminded me of the infomercial people advertising their products. All these things were buzzing, and carrying on like nobody's business. The best part was seeing men examining them.

Then, the shock of all shockers nearly made me pass out. In the corner was a black thing literally 3' tall and 10 centimeters in diameter. It was labeled as "The Auger". Dear God! Seriously? I stepped back every so carefully and decided I should get out of the store before someone decided to test something on me! Of course, I began to feel guilty, you know the kind of feeling you get if you use the bathroom at a gas station and do not buy anything; yeah, like that.

I decided I should at least buy something. So I grabbed this red bottle with a strawberry on it. This will work. I paid cash, made haste to my car and hid the booty; I mean gel, under the seat.

I was too embarrassed to tell Hunnybun what I had purchased so I hid it in his sock drawer - at the very back. One year passes, then another, then another...

About two years ago, I find it when I was straightening up his clothes. I laughed and reminisced and decided it should be ok to use because: A. it is sealed. B. It has been in a cool dry place (leave it alone) and C. It still looks ok.

Because I have deemed this item is safe to use, I decided to arrange a romantic evening with Hunnybun. Doodlebug is with my parents and the house is ours! Keep in mind, I am no longer uptight. (No pun intended)

We have a lovely evening. I show him the bottle of”Strawberry Flavored Gel" and he gets a twinkle in his eye. I put a bit on my finger and taste it. Ok, not the best but hey, I paid 9.00 for this and I want my monies worth!

One thing leads to another and all of a sudden Hunnybun's business quits working. What??? This has never happened. Uh Oh! I try to console him, these things happen... Let me tell you there is no consoling a man when Mr. Winky goes on coffee break. It is bad. It was a dark, dark day.

We have friend who is a urologist and I put a call in to her. While we waited I began to realize that my tongue was numb. This is odd. Hmmm. I wonder... I check my messages to see if the urologist had called back and sure enough she said she sent me an email addressed to "Mr. Johnson" Wow.

Before I checked the email I decided I should read the bottle of strawberry gel and review the ingredients. Upon reading the bottle, I realized I had overdosed my husband’s penis! I killed it! Ohhhhh Nooooo! The gel had a healthy dose of benzocaine and I applied too much of it! I overdosed his penis with benzocaine - hence the reason it went flat and refused to hold a salute!

I returned to the living room from our bedroom and found Hunnybun sulking. It was very sad.

I tapped him on the shoulder and said (with my numb tongue)

Unnyun, itfs, my ault.

He looked at me, tears in his eyes and then looked back down.

I said, "Unnyun I oke our enifff. Mmmm orry."

He told me to quit talking like I was mentally impaired. I grunted at him and said "Ere, ead, hiss!"

He read the bottle, looked at his 'business' and then looked at me. He then made me swear I would never, never buy flavored gel again. I have kept my word.

After contacting the urologist and regaining feeling in our respective body parts, there was much rejoicing.

We rejoiced; again, and again and again!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Paulette's Comedy: The Weasel - Revised

One of my favorite stories took place this past summer.

Anytime Hunnybun gets spooked, it brings a touch of warmth to my heart. You see, he is not one to startle easily. I am typically the one that screams if startled, but not Hunnybun… No, no, he is poised, brave and strong. 

Until one hot summer night in July 2009; he faltered, his bravado left him and his inner little girl came screeching from within…

Let us start at the beginning…

Hunnybun stepped out on the front porch to have a cigarette. (Yes, he smokes, not much and only outside…)

It is a typical summer night in Texas.  Hot, miserable and so humid one needs gills to breathe. Even the moon was sweating...  You know, the kind of hot where you really want to be naked and if you are, sex is not even up for discussion.  Yeah, that kind of hot.

I was sitting in the recliner enjoying yet another novel by Patricia Cornwell when I hear a blood curdling scream, accompanied by a whomp, whomp, whomp and slam! The front door comes open, slams shut and

Hunnybun screeches “there is a F&@#%king weasel out there and it just ran up my leg!”

I was laughing so hard at his girly scream I literally could not see straight.

I asked him to repeat what happened. He said “there is a f&@#%king weasel out there and it just ran up my leg!”

Now, I am a native Texan and have heard of weasels being part of our vast wildlife but have never seen one.  

Thinking he was full of prunes and not being one to make assumptions, I began to analyze the situation (while laughing) and suggested it was probably just someone’s ferret. Or that some wise acre dumped their pet.

After all, we cannot make assumptions about such things we must have facts with which to build a hypothesis... He did not want to hear it. 

Hunnybun is nearing tears, I am rolling with laughter. Due to Hunnybun’s obvious distress, I decided I better gain my composure and assess the situation before he falls into a catatonic state. I sucked it up; accidently snorted due to holding in the laughter and cautiously opened the front door…

I looked to the left and I see two beady eyes looking over the steps. I screamed an obscenity and slammed the door!

Now, who is laughing?

I took a deep breath, reopened the door, and step out to address the alien critter. I started talking to the critter in order to keep the situation calm and hopefully draw it up on the porch for a better look.  It worked!

Suddenly, and without warning, the critter jumped over the top step and grabbed my ankle! I screamed, wet my pants and ran into the house!

Hunnybun:  Now laughing at me and saying “I told you so, I told you so!”  Ha! Ha! Ha!  Hehehehehehe!

Me:  Please, are we not adults?! Sheesh!

We both opened the door. I looked out the door and Hunnybun looked out over my shoulder. The critter charges at full attack and enters the house!

OH. MY. GOD! The stench! It is horrible!   Now, we are cornered in our own living room by a raunchy, musky ferret! Oh what to do! I told Hunnybun to grab the ferret, he impolitely told me to kiss his arse and that I should grab it because “you are the "critter" person.”   I glared at him.  I reminded him he likes animals too and he saw it first. Finders keepers. He was not impressed.

We continued to make suggestions to each other, and I was secretly hoping Wonder Woman was real and would come to our rescue.  Because I understand how important it is for men to feel strong and wanted Hunnybun to regain confidence in his masculinity, I encouraged him by telling him: "You are strong, so big and strong."  Get it! Get it! Get it!  Nothing.

(To myself I was thinking,where the hell is Wonder Woman?  And then I remembered... Wonder Woman doing IBS commercials. Sh*t she is probably in the bathroom!  Darn the luck.  I keep this knowledge to myself as to not further worry Hunnybun...) 

Hunnybun refused to grab the ferret and said to me "You're the one with the Wonder Woman watch!"  Crap.  

The ferret stood up, we (I) screamed.  It raised its little arms srtaight up along with its left leg. It then let out a high pitched "WAAAAHHH!"  This is it, I can feel it.  We are doing to die. We are going to be Karate Kidded by this ferret, the end is near...  We hugged and exchanged I love you's.  I flicked a tear. 

Ferret Poised to Strike:

Just when we thought our lives were about to end, our loving and courageous cat comes in to the living room. 


She crouches; she positions herself strategically adjusting her back legs and tail accordingly.

The tension building; the ferret is going to strike! 

She pounces!

Patches caught the ferret enabling us to escape our captor!   Yea Patches! You are the Wonder Putty!

There was much rejoicing! 

While Patches had the ferret in a half nelson, I grabbed a towel and cautiously approached the cat and the ferret. I then wrapped the ferret in the towel, put it in a dog carrier and returned it to its owner.

The ferret was glad to be home and Patches was rewarded with tuna.

This is Wonder Putty:  (She hates the flash and refuses to keep her eyes open.)

Paulette's Comedy: Romancing the Shop

It is a Sunday night. The kiddo is in bed. I am settling into a Patricial Cornwell novel and my husband is working on race karts in the shop...

For the sake of this story, I will refer to my husband Hunnybun...

Hunnybun enters the living room and informs me he has "something in the shop me needs me to see." This is not out of the norm. Racing karts or cars for that matter, it is common to have parts broken or tires that are worn. I followed him into the shop to assess the damage from the weekends racing...

We entered the shop and I noticed the lights were off except for an incandescent bulb in the far corner. Hmm, that's odd, did a breaker trip? Before I could inquire, Hunnybun had locked the shop door and it was on! Clothes flying one direction, tool boxes in the other. His roll-around tool box will forever have an imprint of my butt on the top! Woo, that was fabulous! Whew! I grab a rag out of his "clean" basket - for obvious reasons - yes, this detail is important. I began to holler, Hunnybun, Hunnybun!!! He says, oh, you want more... No, No! Turn on the lights, something is on fire! I am on fire! He turns on the light and to my horror, I had grabbed a rag that was soaked with Mobile 1 motor oil and carburetor cleaner and had used it on my "business"! I ran into the house, hit the shower. I was so desperate I was throwing flour on the wet spot!

A Sleepless Night followed by a day at work.

I made my way to my office before my two co-workers arrived. Fortunately, from my office, I had direct access to the ladies room. I made repeated trips and finally decided I had to call my Ob/Gyn. This is the woman that delivered my daughter and knew how timid I was about discussing sex. In fact, I passed out in her office when she asked if I had returned to sexual activity after our daughter was born. No kidding, I bit the dust!

I conceded and called Dr. Anderson. It took a few minutes but I described the situation to the doctor. She howled.... I mean the BA HAHAHAHAHAHA kind of laughter. She said, You know, I think you should call Pep Boys, this is more their forte'. I wanted to crawl under my desk... She advised a medication and icing the area.

Descretion is of most importance. I had to have some relief and my numerous trips to the bathroom were being noticed by my co-workers. After one of my trips I decided I had to get some ice. I looked like I had wet my pants because I kept keeping cool, damp paper towels on the affected area... I made my way to the break area and filled a bag with ice. Then, I made my way back to my office. I sat behind my desk and place the ice between my legs... It was a moment of euphoria.... Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, relief.... I took in a deep cleansing breath and closed my eyes....

When I opened my eyes, my co-worker, Alice was standing beside me, looking bewildered. She said "Paulette, why do you have a bag of ice between your legs?" I took a deep breath, bowed my head, and then looked her directly in the eyes. And then, I replied "Hunnybun always wanted Eskimo Pie so I decided to would give it to him."

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Andi-Rambling & Paulette's Pole Dancing Pawn Shop & Pit Barbeque aka Paulette's Comedy

Because of the "whoops" or "technical difficulty" with my comedy blog - Paulette's Comedy, I have had to redo my work. Crap! It has only enhanced my blogging skills and made me realize how much I prefer blogging to Facebook (which I detest). I keep trying to be a FB person, but it just is not happening. If I log on to FB it is simply to contact someone and then I deactivate the account. This brings me to my point...

In February, I decided I would fall on my sword and reactivate my FB account in search off my long lost friend, Andi. I had a hunch that she would be on FB and sure enough, I was right. I sent her a message, she replied, I replied, you get the idea... Next thing I knew, I created a blog.  Admittedly, I thought blogging was a waste of time, but here I am eating my words...

This is a lovely introduction of me by Andi: Introducing Paulette's Pole Dancing, Pawn Shop and Pit Barbeque

As I stated on my previous blog, but you would not know if you did not read it before it "disappeared" - which it was probably my fault because I was messing around with settings. Heh humm... Anyway, As previously stated on my previous blog, I did not realize how much I missed her until we go back in touch. She really does make my heart smile.

Her story regarding the para-sailing adventure Andi ParaSailing actually took place only three miles from my home! Man, if I had known, I would have video recorded the incident! But, these things happen when people lose touch.  A word or two,of advice: Do not lose touch with those you love.  Ok, so that was eight words... 

Without further ado, my friend, Andi and Her Ramblings.

(Andi is on a quest to be famous and I am pursuing a PhD in psychology.)

Things that make you go Wow...

This was emailed to me and I decided to share it with all of you via my blog...

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance....A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed! Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that pass it on...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Organizing My Kitchen Cabinets

We bought our simple yet warm home nearly ten years ago. It is now time to fix up our humble abode. I began with organizing my kitchen. Since then, we have painted, painted and painted some more. The list is nearing infinity...
For your enjoyment, I am posting photos of my kitchen cabinets.
Let me me know what you think.
As you will see, Patches decided to inspect my work; she approved. :)

And, finally, my spice cabinet:

The Dachshund and The Cat

From my previous post I shared with you my beloved dogs. Also, I mentioned I have a cat. The cat, Patches is a calico and 1.5 years aged.

Here is a photo of Miss P and Sophie. This was taken the day Sophie came to be a part of our family. Patch was inspecting Sophie and was not impressed with the flash of the camera. :)

This photo was taken approximately one month ago.

These two girls nap together, chase each other around the house, conspire to hide Shep's toys. It has to be understood that anyone sitting in our living room recliner may experience an involuntary movement from time to time.
You see, when Patch and Sophie being their tear through the house, Patches exhibits her kat-fu talents. She hauls tail from the north end of the house, upon reaching the living room, she jumps, bounces off the top corner of the recliner, spins, lands on the dining room chair and with a WAAAA and a HAAAA she lands on the top of the refrigerator!
Whew, that wore me out just typing about...
This is just one of the entertaining episodes that take place regularly in our home...
It is amazing to walk into the master bedroom and find Cochise, Sophie and Patches snuggled together and sleeping soundly. It makes my heart smile.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Dogs

I love my dogs, other peoples dogs and stray dogs too. I am a dog person pure and simple. And yes, I love cats too, but this post is about my panting, slobbering, ever needy, friends, my dogs.

Have you ever listened to someone tell a 'My Dog' story? If you have, you may have noticed their eyes light up, and a smile appears on their face. If you have a 'my dog' tail, (I mean tale) and would like me to post it, feel free to send me a message. There is something special about a dog and the energy they add to a home and to ones life.

Each of our dogs, like our children have many lovenames. Here are two examples(or more) per dog.

Cochise: Shep, Sheppy, Chise, Chisers, Do-Dah, Buddy, Son

Sophie: Soph, Teeny-weeny, Soapy, Chicken dog, Sissy

Ox: Occerman, Occers, Buddy, Son

Cochise - My 6.5 year old German Shepherd - Cochise is our great protector; although
now and again he falls asleep on the job. We came home one evening to find him literally reclined in the recliner, snoring!

Sophie - red brindle miniature dachshund 5 months old. Little Sophie is so sweet. She loves, loves and loves some more. She and the cat (Patches) are best of friends.

Yesterday, my beloved Blue Heeler, Ox went to rest in that place far, far away. Ox was the best frisbee player and just loved life. He was always so, so happy. I miss him so much my heart hurts. :( Rest in peace my buddy, rest in peace... :(

Our past dogs that will forever be in our hearts:

Max - dachshund
Lacey - dachshund
Tess - German Shepherd

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Learning to Pole Dance

I once tried to teach myself to pole dance. I ordered a pole aerobics kit off of Ebay and anxiously awaited its arrival.
When it comes in, I secretly take it into our bedroom. I follow the directions and install the pole.

I put in the DVD on my laptop, I am ready to go. Oh, keep in mind my German shepherd is on our bed observing.

I begin and follow the instructions. Hey, hey, I am getting this. Let’s go to the more advance lessons. Up, down, spin around, put your left foot in, pull your left foot out; you get the idea... This is going quite well, let's take it up a step. Woo! I take three steps, jump, and grasped the pole, then BLAM! And. I. Mean. BLAM! I hit the wall, the dog barked and white stuff fell from the ceiling. Then, in comes Hunnybun – responding to the ‘Blam’ and the shaking of the house - charges into the bedroom and belly rolls with laughter... Not only did the pole come loose from the ceiling but it left a fantastic streak on the ceiling as it removed the texture work.

This was the beginning and end of my pole dancing experience.

Paulette's Comedy - Attack of the Lactating Monster

Hang on to your seat… When Doodle bug was born and because she was breach, her right foot was pushed up and against the side of her leg. Her left leg was down and on its way out. Anyway, we took her to an orthopedic doctor to make sure her foot was going to be ok. On our first visit to the orthopedics office, all went well, well except for nearly drowning my daughter with breast milk. See, I knew this would require an explanation. Here we go…

After we are seated in the exam room, Rachel begins nudging my chest. She is hungry, gotta feed the Punkin. I am prepared. I have on a nursing bra and a nursing shirt. Unsnap, position, nurse. Weeeellll, that is the general idea unless you unsnap your bra and the water works go off. I mean like a rogue water hydrant only, I was a milk hydrant. Spsshspspshspshshhhhhhh, up down and all around! I even squirted my mother! OH. MY. GOD! It would NOT stop. One was drenching the room, the other was drenching my shirt. It was coming from both sides! O In the midst of all this, the baby is screaming because she is covered in milk and it is up her nose, all over her clothes. It is very difficult to drink from a hose that is spraying full blast.

Oh, it gets better… The exam door opens! The doctor walks in to an exposed, rogue breast shooting milk all over the room, its occupants and the equipment. Poor guy, he doesn’t duck fast enough, I squirt him – in the face, hair and on his clothes. Dammit! FFFFSSSSPPPSHHHHHppppppp… Finally, the ducts run low but not before we all looked like we had been assaulted by a giant milk shake! We had to bathe Punkin in the exam room sink and redress her while the doctor washed his face and changed his lab coat. Punkin’s foot was (is) just fine and my boobs were placed on house arrest.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Andi and Me :)

This photo was take in April/May of 1992. I was going to scan it in but apparently technology is boycotting me. My scanner/printer/copy machine/fax would not cooperate and frankly, I was losing patience so, I opted for the redneck solution... Take a picture of the picture..

I remembered Andi mentioning, in a previous post, that she was looking for a photo of the two of us together but all the ones she had were too dark. Well, I remembered I had a photo of us before the stretchmarks and gray hair!

Here we are in 1992, gosh we were just babies...

Andi is in the upper right hand corner in the pink jacket and I am in the bottom left
corner in the blue jacket. Of course, the labels on our shoulders provide that information..
*Please ignore the bright light in the bottom center, this is due to my ingenius idea...

Oh, the good times...

Look how curly my hair is! It is still the same, although I have discovered the straightening iron and use it from time to time...

Paulette's Comedy

This is Paulette from Paulette's Comedy. For whatever reason, my previous blog "disappeared" so, I am beginning anew.

Rather than focus on comedy, I decided I would simply have multiple sections. Some of my previous posts will be available shortly on this blog site.

I also suggest checking out my friend Andi and her ramblings at She is quite the story-teller and will keep you amused for hours. After all, it is her quest to become famous, I am merely pursuing my doctorate...